Now once you have removed and disposed of your dress, you will first eat the two large soft bread rolls, over the kitchen sink, naked. Nice, simple and neutral, no smell, lots of carbohydrate energy but you will need it. You will work it off. Any bread crumbs will be caught in the sink, or washed down into the sink catcher (empty that into the bin), or they will fall onto the bench or the floor (get to them later), or your body. Yes, you’re bound to get crumbs and crust flakes and dirt and germs on your face and teeth and fingers and your chest and skin, so then it will be time to work from the bathroom outwards.

Shower and wash your hair thrice, thoroughly. Scrub the plug hole and apply Quix Multi-Purpose Bathroom Cleaner to all stained areas and mould danger zones on the white walls and surfaces and porcelain and floor. But dry yourself in the shower so as to avoid any unwanted drips. Then brush teeth, floss, and gargle mouthwash thrice– use the Colgates, especially the Colgate Plax Alcohol-Free Mouthwash. Don’t forget that this time.

You will blow-dry and tie up your hair and put on two (dry) shower caps, so you do not spread loose hairs anywhere. Ensure that not one body hair or blemish or germ patch has sprung up anywhere else on your skin. If so: pluck, scrub, clean, apply makeup.

Do not dress yet or your clothes will crease and potentially be soiled in the ensuing. Leave them hanging. Now is time to clean throughout. Thoroughly, but not too fast. You don’t want to work up a sweat, otherwise you will have to shower again. But regardless, remember to apply Secret Flawless Invisible Antiperspirant Stix, Anais Obsession Infusion Luxe Perfume and thrice with Colgate Plax Alcohol-Free Mouthwash when you are done.

You will clean the bathroom top to bottom. Scrub the toilet extra hard with Multi-Clean 350 Bowl Attack Toilet Cleaner, but not too hard. Don’t forget to clean behind the toilet and the edges and underneath and the sliding drawers and the mirror. Admire your body in the mirror. Not your eyes, your body. Admire your invincibility. Do not look at your hands. Move on quickly to the bedroom.

You have not slept for 23 hours so the bedroom will be neat but dust everything and then vacuum and clean everything.

Go to the kitchen. Scrub the crumbs and the germs and the dirt and everything in the kitchen and empty everything excess into the bin and then move on.

Dining room: spotless. Make it spotless. Make it all spotless and move on.

Living room, dust the furniture and vacuum the floors but the stain cannot be removed. You scrubbed for an hour and it cannot be removed it has sunk into the carpet beneath the carpet dripping down and can’t be undone there is no way back now so just place the coffee table on top and out of sight out of mind move on to the laundry.

The laundry. Pour more bleach into the basin, scrub the rust-coloured watermark. Bleach. Wipe every surface clean and finish with the bleach. Finish the bleach.

Again. Repeat. In reverse. Laundry, living room, dining room, kitchen, bedroom, all of it again, back to the bathroom to the bathroom the bathroom, where your clothes are waiting after being steamed.

You did remember to leave them to steam during and after your shower didn’t you? If not, repeat the shower. Actually, in any case repeat the shower, there will be invisible sweat and dirt and germs and bacteria and biohazards biohazards biohazards all over you. Make it a hot shower. But mind your hair. Don’t wash your hair. Your hair is beautiful. But re-apply Secret Flawless Invisible Anti-Persperant Stix, Anais Obsession Infusion Luxe Perfume, and apply the full Sheseido Soma Kosmetix Kit and use thrice Colgate Plax Alcohol-Free Mouthwash Colgate Plax Alcohol-Free Mouthwash Colgate Plax Alcohol-Free Mouthwash done.

Then gently pull yourself into your new white strapless Prada sheathe dress and matching Prada stilettos and remove the shower caps carefully. Blow-dry again lightly and style your hair just so. Remove stray hairs. Bin. Tie and throw rubbish bag out of window into dumpster below. Head to front door. Wait by door, still, unmoving. Clench hands tight. Dig nails in. Don’t be afraid, break the skin. Wait. Do not move or look or think. Wait.

And he will come to the door and he will knock and everything will be ready and you will be ready and you will open the door and smile and like a one-woman wolf pack at a dripping bloody carcass you will sell sell sell sell sell.

Now then, remove and dispose of your dress.

About Duncan Felton

Duncan Felton: writer, editor, publisher. View all posts by Duncan Felton

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